Bliss of Life

I’m still behind on this blog. Ben’s blog at www.themungbeans.com is current. There you can find recent pictures of my big, baby belly and sonogram pictures/videos. My favorite is the 45 second video of our baby kicking. Even though I’m behind, I’m not going to skip ahead, because I want to include some of the highlights of each week of my pregnancy, just for my own sake.

Big Heart, Little Heart

Yay! I am completely enjoying my pregnancy. I spend hours a week paying homage to my belly, and even though it’s kind of early, I’ve been praying to feel our baby moving inside me. This week my prayers were answered in an unexpected way.

For the past couple of weeks I’ve been getting headaches, which is really common during this stage of pregnancy, because of the skyrocketing hormones. I’ve found that a fully leaded latte can take the edge off of these headaches, if you catch them before they really get going. But a warning to all pregnant women about ordering a caffeinated-coffee beverage. This simple, headache remedy comes at a price.

You will feel like a complete criminal when you waddle up to the coffee counter with your big belly in tow and order. Sometimes you’ll get a raised eyebrow and a quick, yet not so subtle glance at your belly, from the apathetic barista, which may make you want to explain yourself to this complete stranger. But don’t. He/She doesn’t really care. And you may even get a comment from a customer, usually an older woman who has never been pregnant, saying something like, “I hope that’s decaffeinated.” This may catch you off guard, and when faced with this remark you may feel rush of indignation. You may even be tempted to answer her by saying, Yeah, I’m just drinking this to wash the crack-pipe taste out of my mouth. But don’t. Just smile and go about your business. She doesn’t really care either.

I was having one of those days this week, when the latte didn’t seem to do it’s job, neither did the extra water I drank. The headache became a migraine and my sensitivity to everything was heightened. Lights were too bright, sounds were nauseating, and even though I was hungry, I couldn’t eat.  I wasn’t sure I could keep my food down. The only thing left to do was just lie in bed and surrender.

As I lay in bed and let myself become still, I began to feel the vibration of my heartbeat, and because my capillaries were so inflamed, I could feel the pulse in fingers, temples and navel too. And then I felt something that was completely unexpected. Just below my navel, I felt another vibration — one that was much faster than my own. I put one hand over faster pulse, and another on the pulse in my neck to compare the two. There was no doubt. It wasn’t mine. I stayed there awhile, soaking in the moment. It was so, so divine.

I Am Super Woman

When I was about 10 weeks pregnant, Ben and I took Godiva to Town Lake so she could hang out with some other dogs. I was still very much in the midst of my first trimester, so all I really wanted to do was lay on the couch. But it was a Sunday. I was determined to get some fun out of the weekend. Even though there was a breeze, I had to constantly drink water. I felt like I was going to melt under the sun, and I ate almonds to try to fend off the low-blood-sugar shakes. But I could still feel my energy dropping. I was pushing my limits just standing there.

I remember looking around for a good place to sit when I saw a woman with a prominent, baby belly speed walking down the trail. I think my head tilted a little when I saw her, in the same way that a dog’s does when it doesn’t understand something. The only way I could make sense of her and what she was doing was to decide that she was Super Woman.

Well, as it turns out, I am Super Woman too. No really, I am. My husband and I started off week 16 by walking the Town Lake trail with little Godiva. It took us about two hours, and I had to take a couple breaks, but I felt great! I decided to walk Town Lake everyday, and it seemed possible, until I woke up the next morning and the bones of my feet let me know that I needed to find better shoes before taking another two-hour walk. But it was still awesome!

The Dad-to-Be, Baby and Me

I thought I would include some of the highlights during the earliest part of the pregnancy. For me, I pretty much knew that I was pregnant, or likely to be, from the first day of conception. During my daily practice, I went into padangusthasana, and the instant I rested my rib cage on my thighs I felt this inner scream from body and my Being telling me to get out that posture. I tried it again, and felt the same inner scream. Padangusthasana (seated forward bend) is not a good posture for pregnancy, because of the deep fold it creates in the internal organs, including the uterus. Anything that is attached or trying to attach to the uterus, can be dislodged. So I listened and stayed out of the posture.

Then a few days later, I went into salambha sirsasana (head stand) and after a minute or less I felt a strong, nauseating sensation in my belly region telling me to get down. And because I have to test everything, I went back up into salambah sirasana, only to feel the same sensation telling me to get down. So I did. In the meantime, there were about a hundred other little clues letting me know that something big was coming. Ben was a trooper. He listened while I went through all of them at least fifty times a day. And in the most believable way, he said that he trusted my intuition, but I could tell he was still holding back some of his belief.

On Labor Day I finally got around to taking the pregnancy test. We had just gotten back from a weekend in the Hill Country that was spent tubing down the river. We both sat on the couch comparing the pregnancy test to the instruction sheet with eyes the size of saucers. Until that moment, being pregnant was just a feeling, my intuition at work. The little white stick made it all a reality. The joy of it seemed almost too big for us to hold. We went to bed, too excited to sleep. When I did manage to fall asleep, I was awakened by Ben saying, “We need to stop at the next check point on the river. It has to do with pregnancy.” The statement was confusing, so I asked him what he was talking about. “The next check point on the river is for us. It’s about pregnancy.” That’s when I realized that he was still sleeping. I think I had him repeat it one more time, just to see if I could pry anymore dream details out of him, but he woke up.

Later on that night, when I was sleeping on my side of our king-sized bed, Ben made his way over to snuggle. Being the selfish, light sleeper that I am, I pushed him away, telling him that I was too hot. (My hormones were already elevating.) And in the most pouty, grown man, sleep-talking voice he said, “But I want to hang out with the baby!”

How cute is that? I couldn’t resist.

Understanding

I’m feeling more like myself again. My life has extended beyond the walls of our little house, and I am very noticeably pregnant, which I learned when I ran into some old friends who had no idea we were expecting a baby. Also, I can now go normal stints of time without eating, and I’ve actually heard my stomach growl from hunger. Before, my blood sugar would plummet without giving my stomach the memo that I needed some nourishment. I was even able to begin doing some very gently yoga postures. My body was so grateful. Something else I’m grateful for is the rough first trimester I experienced. Yes, it made me appreciate feeling strong and healthy even more, but it also gave me a greater understanding for other women.

I can remember being at a friend’s baby shower last spring and meeting a woman there who had a three-month-old baby. The woman got up to get another beer or glass of wine and when she came back, she said it was nice not to be breastfeeding anymore, because she could eat and drink whatever she wanted. She explained that she changed her mind about breast feeding when she ate some spicy Mexican food and the baby had colic all for two days. Altering her diet just so she could breast feed wasn’t something she was willing to do. My very first thought was, how can she be so selfish? My second thought was, wow, how can I be so judgmental?

At that time I was just getting over some health problems that had kept me on a rigid and specific diet for the past three years, and the list of things I couldn’t eat was much longer than the list of things I could. For me, making sacrifices in my diet was a part of life. I couldn’t understand why she wasn’t able to do that for her baby. Fortunately, the Universe arranged to do something about my lack of understanding.

After weeks of living every moment of my first trimester in a state that went way beyond what I had imagined for myself. I feel as though my Being went through a motherhood boot camp of sorts. Everything that I defined as me, my and mine has changed. This body is not really mine right now. It doesn’t look or feel familiar. And I can’t say the word me, without also encompassing the spirit of the unborn child I feel with me. So once again, me is now we, but in a different way than it was when I met my husband.

The other day I found a book of Tibetan proverbs. The page I opened to had a photograph of a woman holding a baby against her cheek and it read, “One day someone calls a woman mother, and that is who she is for the rest of her life.” That kind of gets to the core of motherhood. Once a woman becomes a mother, for the rest of her life, she will give, and give, and sacrifice, and give just to support her child. First she sacrifices her body, then her energy, then her time, and her sleep and in some cases her career. If she begins to feel resentful, she gave something she didn’t have to give. Something that was never nurtured in her. Now, I consider an act of self-care by a mother to be an even greater act of giving to her child, despite what it may look like to other people. In some cases choosing not to breastfeed or to go back to work is an act of self-care, because I can’t think of worse feeling to have towards your child than resentment.